Sweet Kennedy…

So I’ve been keeping a secret. A BIG BIG secret.

In 3 weeks we will be welcoming our 6th family member to our home and no…it’s not a new puppy.

A tiny new little baby girl is going to be completing our family. I’ve been wanting to write a post. Lately I’ve been really feeling the need for a new post but wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with it. I didn’t want to write about my pregnancy throughout the trimesters. That’s been done. But also, I had no energy. And when I did I was working on finishing my Interior Design program which I am an official graduate ūüėČ That’s right, with diploma and all ***pats herself on the back***

But honestly, lots of changes going on. Lots of headaches, frustrations and teenage turmoil. It’s been rough. So I decided, Since we are 3 weeks out and the count down is on….I gotta get some words out there to document my experience before life gets to hectic and I forget.

So, my sweet little Kennedy….this pregnancy with you has been a wonderful challenge. The first half I was plagued with horrific HORRIFIC migraines. I was taking Tylenol as sparingly as possible. Had a stash of ice packs for my head everywhere I went. I had no nausea like a lot of women but those damn headaches my little darling, were NOT a treat. But for you, they were worth it.

There was tiredness in the beginning which has come back in the later stage, but with naps I am managing. I think you’re gonna be a little firecracker, and I can’t wait (sort of!) You have still allowed me to maintain workouts and I thank you for that. It’s helped me keep the swelling and weight gain to a bare minimum. PHEEEEWWW

You’re coming into a home with so much love for you it still overwhelms my heart and soul. Your 2 oldest sisters cried when we told them you were coming. they were both so crazy excited and had been talking about you long before you became a plan. The youngest, weeeeell she had to take some time to get her head around it. She was the youngest of course, therefore wasn’t ready to give up her spot of “the family baby”.

BUT when J found out you were going to be a girl!!! Oh my goodness, she lost her mind with excitement. It really was super cute. Z cried, she was really hoping for a boy but she’s excited for her new little sister just as much.

These girls have such big plans for you. All the things they can’t wait to teach you and show you. All the cuddles they can’t wait to give you is so beautiful. I can’t wait for you to meet them. They are completely crazy though…I should warn you. All different in their own special ways and I’m so excited to see which behaviours you get and from who.

There are a couple of people who left us too soon to have a chance to meet you. Grandpa and Mellie. But I KNOW they will be with you every step you take.

You’re a lucky little princess to be coming into a family like this. Your daddy is such an amazingly attentive daddy. I just know you’re going to have him wrapped around your finger. He talks to you in my belly. When you weren’t so big as you are now you would move when he spoke to you…now you’re too big to move so swiftly. But you move like a little champ still.

Maybe that’s because I only stopped taking Mauy Thai kickboxing around 2 weeks ago and I’ve gotten you used to it lol let’s hope. I need you to be¬†a strong little lady like your big sisters.

You have been a blessing to us all, and in so many ways you may never know. In 3 weeks my dream of you will finally come true, because for 15 years, I have wanted you. Hoped for you and sadly came to a conclusion that maybe you would never be. I wanted your daddy to be perfect for you which can seem like an impossible mission these days. And one random day a little over two years ago I method….your daddy, and that changed everything and made my dreams of you a reality again. And here we are. Counting down and getting things ready to welcome you to our crazy bunch of love. My dream is that as a family we nurture you in every single possible way that we can. That you grow up to be happy and healthy and wonderful with a touch of craziness that shows that you are ours.

I thank God for choosing me to be your mommy. I am jumping out of my skin waiting to see your squishy little face and to hold your little hands and feet.

Til’ we meet face to face my Sweet Kennedy.

 

xox Mommy

 

 

 

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When you stop listening…..

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We all get to that point right? That point either when you stop listening or someone stops listening to you? And it feels like SHIT. UTTER fucking shit. My question is, WHY do you stop listening? Why, after countless conversations professing to never stop listening, to always care about another persons feelings do we just say fuck it and stop listening?

Personally, I’ve been on both sides of this coin. And neither feels great. If I stop listening it’s because I have stopped caring for whatever reasons have pushed me there. When I stop caring it’s because I’m tired of the feelings of not being heard. It’s really a vicious cycle. And a cycle that I have been in and I am currently caught in, a cycle I watch/counsel my friends through doing. We just stop listening.

Fights happen, disagreements happen. It’s a part of life. It’s just the way the world works, we’re not tele-tubbies. But here it is‚Ķ.RESOLVE THE ISSUES AND STOP TALKING OUT OF YOUR ASS!!!

Doesn’t that seem simple? It does to me, but it’s difficult I guess. I’m never going to tell you I can do something I can’t, or I’ll be something I’m not. NEVER, it’s just not how I’m wired. So when I say to you, I will make time, I will not lie, I will not take you for granted you better damn well believe that I won’t. SO please for the love of everything holy do NOT disrespect me by pretending you can provide the same to me.

I’m pissed off as you can see. I’m feeling incredibly taken for granted and like my feelings aren’t suppose to matter. You know those feelings you get when things are shaky and rocky and like you’re perceived as the nanny and housekeeper and anything else doesn’t exist?

That’s me right now. Right now I feel like, I can’t say how I feel cause people will be defensive. Ugh I don’t even know why I’m making this a blog post. Wait yes I do. People are full of shit and grime and don’t mean what they say 90% of the time.

I don’t like to air my dirty laundry and gossip to everyone I know about my life and trouble. I don’t broadcast it on FaceBook or instagram or wherever people talk about their lives. But I don’t have a lot of followers and really who cares about little old me anyway to read about my little life so I’ll spill it a bit…

I started a new job in October and it turned out to be the HUGEST mistake of my life. I can admit that here. So I quit. With full support from my boy friend who really is a great guy. Great dad, great son and brother. And I was confident in my decision because I knew I would receive benefits to get me through.

But since I’ve been off of work¬†(while still paying MY bills and contributing to what I committed too) our relationship has begun to change. No date nights, he’s home FAR less. When he’s home he’s on the computer or staring at his phone or texting with a million and a half people. He’s in the house, but not really “here”. When we’re kid free you would think he’d want to go and do something, together, maybe alone. But no. There’s a lot of bullshit going on with his ex wife and ex girl friend. And not only am I seeing him as a big talker with nothing to back him, but I’m losing trust. He is starting to act differently. I call him out on the baggage and he gets mad, I call him out on the things he does that make me feel taken for granted and gets mad. Right now at this point in my life, when I thought I had found the love of my life and last man I would ever kiss, I am feeling more like the housekeeping nanny than anything else. I’m trying really hard to let the past go. I’m trying even harder to not be concerned with the ex’s. But he’s been separated for 5 years and no discussion of divorce. And for the last 9 months every month I here “this week… next week…it’s getting done soon‚Ķ.her schedule blah blah blah” and here we are. Nothing but talk has been going on. Oh did I mention he said he wanted my help‚Ķso I happily obliged? Yah, I did all the work for him. Made his copies and they are still sitting in the back of his truck lol fml

His ex girl friend was waiting at the gate in the airport to see him off on our vacation. Once I started digging more into this chick and her shenanigans I found out she was showing up at his house often and unexpectedly. She then proceeded to call him incessantly, texting non stop, she even contacted me. So naturally, I wanted all contact to stop and only answer if I was around. Well that’s not happening. He answers when Im not around and ignores when I am. And when I ask I’m told to not ask about her ever again. That’s seems shady to me. Add all this to his not being around and when he is he’s not really “here” and mix it with us not doing anything anymore and tonight he makes plans to go to a movie with his buddy. uuuuuuummm ya, no I wouldn’t enjoy a movie or anything. Ya go out with your buddy who you see twice a week at least, who’s daughters birthday party we were just at yesterday. mmmhhhmmm cuz I haven’t been at home all day doing the laundry.

Let me explain one thing here‚ĶI believe it’s my job while I’m not working for a company that he shouldn’t have to do much around the house. So I make the breakfasts and lunches for the girls when they are here. Make dinner, do the groceries. Clean the house and do the laundry. I even happily make his coffee every morning. Because I love him like no one ever. But don’t behave entitled towards me because of it.

Things are just very different. And when I try to talk about it with him he deflects and puts it on me. I know that no one wants to come home after work and be bombarded with questions about an ex. But come on! If she’s been trying to get contact for the last part of the year, wouldn’t YOU question what the hell is going on? Who wouldn’t? I can’t help wondering everyday what is the real story. Am I just a habit? Maybe he’s not really “in love”. I’m tired of not being heard. I’m tired of all the baggage and I’m tired of the expectation to not have an opinion and to not have a voice to express it. It pisses me off. I’ve put up with a lot in my life and the thing I can’t tolerate is people just saying what you want to hear with no action to back it up. I’m done with making excuses in order to accept¬†tolerate it. I don’t believe he will ever get divorced. I don’t believe his contact with the ex is as limited as he says nor do I believe that the conversations are innocent. I just don’t believe him, because if you have been lucky enough to have found someone you claim is the love of your life don’t you respect them enough to listen to them? Really hear them when they are crying because of all your baggage that is affecting their life? Don’t you owe them the respect if they are¬†still pulling their weight when life throws you a curve ball?¬†I don’t think I could look at him and ever say “listen, if you don’t want to be with me then make¬†up your mind and go” and not break inside. But he has said that to me, and not seemed even bothered. He says it’s cause he doesn’t want the shit. I believe, it’s because he is all talk. Just a bunch of words on top of words on top of words with nothing behind to back it up. So naturally, I have stopped caring.

This is me‚Ķright now where I am. Not happy, pretty pissed off and REALLY needing my friend who I don’t have. It sucks.

Good night world

Uninspired

I’ve been having a hard time lately, keeping a train of thought. Keeping an idea about what I want to post. And when I do get an idea‚Ķ..I’m do brain dead to think of grabbing a pen to write it down for a later and much more convenient time.

Cuz, you know‚Ķ.I can’t blog at work any more.

A very loyal and wonderful follower, who I wish would get on here so I could hear about her life, has been messaging me with little nudges to get back blogging. And believe me Sandi I have been trying.

I’ve been been briefly inspired but mostly, just UNinspired. It sucks. I haven’t written anything in months. I haven’t touched my art supplies. Mostly because my art space is in complete disarray since we only moved here a short time ago. But really, because I am just not inspired.

But I’m going to try.

I”ve moved and started a new job since my last post. The house is great in all of its chaotic-ness. My days are longer and far busier. But that’s ok. I like to be busyyyy-ish. The job is the step I was looking for. Lots of opportunity for growth. But mostly it’s the change in scenery that I need. new house, new area, new job. I’ve rekindled an old friendship at a baby-step pace which has been comforting.

I really miss Mel, so life is sometimes hard for me. I don’t tell anyone. But you, my sweet un-juding blog family. Not a single day passes that I don’t think about her and wonder, how/when/where it all went wrong. I am going through all these new and exciting changes. So many wonderful things are going on with me, and I don’t have her to share it all with. I know I may be sounding like a broken record, but it’s hard losing your best friend who shared all the big stuff. The good and the bad. But that’s not what I wanted to make this blog about. Just wanted to add what it is that’s keeping me uninspired.

How do you get your spark back?

I started doing Muay Thai again. Boy does it ever feel good to smash pads and bags and work up a sweat. Releasing¬†frustration is great. And in all honesty, I can without a doubt confirm‚Ķthat if I did not have this amazing man and his girls when my life took a nasty turn I would be in a far worse state. I could never have made it this far, this well if he was not in my life. Our family together is crazy‚Ķbut its a great kinda crazy, chaotic mess that’s kept my mind on happier things. And I thank God each and every day that My daughter, ¬†my love and his girls are in my life.

I know things will never be the same for me. So many things will never feel the same for me. And I accept it. But I am trying to get some parts of me back that I lost a few months ago. So Sandi, thanks to you my darling girl an ocean away, for the light encouragement to get on here. Now it’s your turn. Tell me what inspires you to get going, or gets you up out of a funk?

XOX ~ T

Cocktails N Canvas – A new form of therapy? I think so!

 
So as I have mentioned in the past, I love art. All forms, creating in any way possible. In high school I filled all my electives with Art and English courses. Thanks to facebook in 2007 making an appearance I was reconnected with an old friend who I had simply lost touch with. She and I were always in the same art class and she was SOOOO talented. And she still is. She hosts painting events all over the city where you can paint a canvas followed by her instructions and enjoy some time having a drink and laughs with friends for 2-3 hours and come out of it feeling great.
Last nights piece is called The Lonely Koi. Mine doesn’t look like a koi….It should more appropriately be titled Moby Dick is Lost. But whatev’s…..
 
Lonely Koi
Not bad for my first ever canvas. Thankfully when I move I will have a small space to myself to completely zone out and paint. Because last night you guys….THAT SHIT WAS FUN!!!!
It’s part of my attempt to move more towards new things and also towards the things I love so much and haven’t had a chance to¬†do in years. I can’t wait!! It’s so incredibly therapeutic and totally makes me feel like a kid again. Spectacular!
 
So I’m all about trying new things, making new things. EVERYTHING¬†new, so if you have any suggestions I’m all eyes.
 
Anyway, in my defense, 2 hours is NOT enough time to take dictation and follow through AND the lighting in the bar was awful…my orange looked pink under their lights. Which is why my Koi is grey like a whale. Next time canvas….next…time, I will master you.
 
Just sayin’
 
Ok, go be creative…it’s amazing for the soul ūüôā
 
xox ~ T
 
 
 
 
 

Blogging through the grief – Happy Hump Day

New-Beginnings

I tell myself every day that I am going to write a blog today. But I’ve just been so uninspired I never really have anything to talk about. My thoughts really only flow between a few things and really I feel like it’s completely uninteresting.

But then the last few days things feel like they are shifting. So I guess that’s what I’m going to talk about. Do you ever notice these times in your life, when things are starting to “shift”?

I’m really quite aware of it when it’s happening. But since I never know the direction good/bad it’s going I let it happen rather than try to chase the change. If that makes sense.

Since Mel’s passing, my every waking moment has been consumed with questions and I replay things over and over. Analyze, re-analyze and replay again. A vicious cycle. I usually find a copious amount of answers from my dreams. Cause I have a stupid ability to recall my dreams and look them up. And sure enough, all the lame ass shit I dream about has messages to help me decipher. Thank GOD for the internet, seriously.

But more deeply, after my dad passed he began coming to me in my dreams. So clear. So real. The first one we were sitting at my gramma’s house I spent so much time at as a child. We were sitting at the same old kitchen table the 3 of us. Grandma, daddy and me. And he just looked at me and said “Come on pumpkin, it’s going to be ok love” as he stroked my arm and cheek with his hand. And every other one after that he’s always with my step mom (who is still with us) but we are always doing normal things but I always end it just as the first one asking for a hug. That’s what I miss the most, his bigger than life hugs. And I wake up feeling warm and comfy and some-what eased from the visit.

Lately, since losing Mel I wake up frequently. I feel like she’s there. But it’s after a dream where I’m calling for her but she’s not there. And I wake up scared and feeling very alone and full of anxiety. And just like a child I put my pillow and blanket over my head and slowly drift back to sleep.

Two nights ago, She came to me in my dream. So clear and vivid I could swear and really feel it was real. I knew she shouldn’t have been there, and kept saying why are you here, you’re not supposed to be here. Why the fuck did you leave…doesn’t it kill you not to talk to your parents every day, I asked. What did you do?! And I started heavy crying. Like the kind of cry that makes your chest feel like it’s caving in and there’s nothing you can do and there’s so much pressure in your face it hurts. And she said “Aww buddy I know I fucked up. I’m sorry” I had fallen to my knees weeping with my face in my hands and she calmly just said “I’m sorry buddy, but it’s going to be ok. You’ll see” And just as I lifted my head to begin the acquisition of questions I’ve had our friends run in frantic that we have to hide her, the police are there and she can’t be seen. And with that she was gone.

I woke up after that, knowing I’m never going to get my answers. And I HAVE to find a way to be ok with that. But since then, I have more focus. I’m still sleeping like shit and I am hoping that will begin to change. I think I am starting to understand what’s happening to cause the shift and creating the wild dreams. For so long My Mellie was a mirror of who I was cause we did everything together. Bought the same jewelry. Downloaded the same music and went to concerts together. I felt defined by having her with me. I felt as though I knew who I was, because I knew who she was and we were similar. She was closer to me than anyone ever has been so losing her feels like I’ve lost myself. Like I really don’t know who or what I am or where I’m supposed to be. Opening up to people like this is hard to do one on one. I have a difficult time showing emotion in front of people. So I blog about it. This is where I get to come and really just be “me” where it doesn’t matter if people can understand or relate to what I am saying but I can put it out there and feel better that I’ve said it.

But as I mentioned, I feel things shifting, and they finally feel like a good healthy shift in the direction I need things to be in. I’m starting fresh with a new house, new area, embracing old friends who I’ve missed and working on the new job.

Wish me luck guys and please send me all the positive light and energy and prayers you’ve got…I’ve got 2 jobs in the running and BOTH are amazing opportunities I would be blessed to have the chance to make mine.

My posts may not be regular for a while, with packing and planning the move and all the stuff I have to get done BEFORE school starts I am losing my ever loving mind.

xox ~T

best

Updates galore

Soooo….I’ve been gone for a while. I’m so sorry but life has taken it’s hold on me again. So I will try to make up for the absence and update you on what’s been going on. I apologize now if it’s long and/or emotional. My world was thrown upside down.

To start off….I lost my best friend in the whole wide world last month on June 14. Devastation is not even strong enough to describe what I’ve been feeling and dealing with.

I have no answers and truthfully, I’m not sure we will EVER have the total story or definitive answers. But I have my suspicions and they are pretty fucking ugly. And I’m beside myself really. My Mellie was “diagnosed” with fibromyalgia around December. I will explain the quotations later. She was suffering. And suffering in a way I have never had to witness a friend deal with. We all get sick and get hurt and we have our support systems to help us through. And thank God for them, right?! Then a week or two later we’re back to our old selves.

This was different.

She wasn’t sleeping, was nauseous, could barely walk. Suffered migraines daily (something I could fully relate too) and for the first time there was nothing I could do to make her better. Nothing I could do to make it go away so I could have her back. For a few months our regular Thursday’s kept up but I would go over and cook to take some of the trouble off of her and allow her a chance to eat good food and not out of convenience. We’d watch our shows and have wine and for a brief time it seemed like she wasn’t too bad. What seemed to slowly be changing I know see as a rapid decline. But I was distracted by my own life naturally. We can’t focus on one single person 100% of the time right?

The person I knew, drank with, vacationed with, spent hours on the phone with, laughed till I peed my pants with was fading away. We no longer went out. Ironically the months leading up to her end contained conversations that send me chills to recall. It’s really truly a very scary time for me full of terrifying realizations. I don’t know when I’ll start to breath right again or if that day will come. But I wake up every day to make it through to the next.

My Mellie, had a past with drug addiction. which was NEVER a part of our friendship so I never knew to what lengths she would go to in order to get what she wanted. I did know she was an exceptional actress with unbelievable talents. But this? hhmmm I still question whether it could be possible or even why she would. But deep down I know. And it explains why she had become distant. I thought it was just the pain, and now I see how na√Įve that was of me. I trusted the demons were behind her. I trusted that IF the temptation was there…she would turn to me. Because why wouldn’t she? We turned to each other for every fucking thing imaginable.

But not this time. When I got the call from her father to advise me what had happened and where, my first question was WHY the fuck was she there? The person I knew had left me sooner then she left the physical world. Because she chose to take herself out of the game. I don’t think it was intentional, but ultimately her choice to get into things I would never approve of was her slow decline with the inevitable end.

How did I not notice? Well that’s easy. I met an amazing man who had my attention. And I think it made it easier for her to hide from me. We have chosen to move in together because it feel right. Everything about this man is right. Not perfect, cause I don’t believe that exists. But it IS perfect for “us”. So the last few months have been full of house hunting and making plans. Mel and I still spoke everyday. whether it was a few minutes on the phone or via texts but she was always busy and always had excuses for why we couldn’t get together. Every so often I would get a gut feeling from something she would say but disregarded it since I never suspected she would revisit her old ways. But if anything were to push her, it would have been the pain.

I’m angry and sad but also happy and excited and that’s the part I am having a hard time with. When I’m happy I feel guilty for being happy. And when I’m sad and angry I logically know why and work through it. No one should ever ever have to carry their besties coffin, or listen to people talk about how great they were. Not how great she IS. It’s frustrating to realize she’ll never meet the love of my life and his girls. She’ll never see how amazing he is and He will never see me carry on with her the way only her and I did. We had something in our friendship that I have never experienced. I have amazing friends, in fact I have an army of people who have showered me with endless love and warmth to get me through this…but SHE was different. She just knew how to make everything OK. She was a rock star to so many, but to me she was a shining star so bright in the sky. Crazy, loud and sometimes obnoxious but always just amazing. Magnetic and so loving and felt every emotion you were feeling.

I dream about her and call out for her and think about her with endless questions constantly.

If I didn’t have My Love who has been not just supportive but also an amazing comfort when I get crazy I don’t know what I would do.

Boy that psychic was 100% right when she said a year from now my life would not be the same in any way shape or form. Maybe that’s why there is a calmness with this situation. I don’t know.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Sorry to get so dark. I’m trying to brighten my world but it’s a process.

~xox T

IMG_0722

FUCK

I had a full post with my heart wrenching update. I’m so irritated now. In a nutshell:

Met the love of my existence

Removed toxic people from my life

Moving in with My Love

Best friend passed away

I’m happy, excited, terrified…lost, broken and sad all in one.

I love my Mellie with all my heart and soul. I will miss her every fucking day for the rest of my life.

Post 2

That’s all. Life goes on.

~xox T

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