We all get to that point right? That point either when you stop listening or someone stops listening to you? And it feels like SHIT. UTTER fucking shit. My question is, WHY do you stop listening? Why, after countless conversations professing to never stop listening, to always care about another persons feelings do we just say fuck it and stop listening?
Personally, I’ve been on both sides of this coin. And neither feels great. If I stop listening it’s because I have stopped caring for whatever reasons have pushed me there. When I stop caring it’s because I’m tired of the feelings of not being heard. It’s really a vicious cycle. And a cycle that I have been in and I am currently caught in, a cycle I watch/counsel my friends through doing. We just stop listening.
Fights happen, disagreements happen. It’s a part of life. It’s just the way the world works, we’re not tele-tubbies. But here it is….RESOLVE THE ISSUES AND STOP TALKING OUT OF YOUR ASS!!!
Doesn’t that seem simple? It does to me, but it’s difficult I guess. I’m never going to tell you I can do something I can’t, or I’ll be something I’m not. NEVER, it’s just not how I’m wired. So when I say to you, I will make time, I will not lie, I will not take you for granted you better damn well believe that I won’t. SO please for the love of everything holy do NOT disrespect me by pretending you can provide the same to me.
I’m pissed off as you can see. I’m feeling incredibly taken for granted and like my feelings aren’t suppose to matter. You know those feelings you get when things are shaky and rocky and like you’re perceived as the nanny and housekeeper and anything else doesn’t exist?
That’s me right now. Right now I feel like, I can’t say how I feel cause people will be defensive. Ugh I don’t even know why I’m making this a blog post. Wait yes I do. People are full of shit and grime and don’t mean what they say 90% of the time.
I don’t like to air my dirty laundry and gossip to everyone I know about my life and trouble. I don’t broadcast it on FaceBook or instagram or wherever people talk about their lives. But I don’t have a lot of followers and really who cares about little old me anyway to read about my little life so I’ll spill it a bit…
I started a new job in October and it turned out to be the HUGEST mistake of my life. I can admit that here. So I quit. With full support from my boy friend who really is a great guy. Great dad, great son and brother. And I was confident in my decision because I knew I would receive benefits to get me through.
But since I’ve been off of work (while still paying MY bills and contributing to what I committed too) our relationship has begun to change. No date nights, he’s home FAR less. When he’s home he’s on the computer or staring at his phone or texting with a million and a half people. He’s in the house, but not really “here”. When we’re kid free you would think he’d want to go and do something, together, maybe alone. But no. There’s a lot of bullshit going on with his ex wife and ex girl friend. And not only am I seeing him as a big talker with nothing to back him, but I’m losing trust. He is starting to act differently. I call him out on the baggage and he gets mad, I call him out on the things he does that make me feel taken for granted and gets mad. Right now at this point in my life, when I thought I had found the love of my life and last man I would ever kiss, I am feeling more like the housekeeping nanny than anything else. I’m trying really hard to let the past go. I’m trying even harder to not be concerned with the ex’s. But he’s been separated for 5 years and no discussion of divorce. And for the last 9 months every month I here “this week… next week…it’s getting done soon….her schedule blah blah blah” and here we are. Nothing but talk has been going on. Oh did I mention he said he wanted my help…so I happily obliged? Yah, I did all the work for him. Made his copies and they are still sitting in the back of his truck lol fml
His ex girl friend was waiting at the gate in the airport to see him off on our vacation. Once I started digging more into this chick and her shenanigans I found out she was showing up at his house often and unexpectedly. She then proceeded to call him incessantly, texting non stop, she even contacted me. So naturally, I wanted all contact to stop and only answer if I was around. Well that’s not happening. He answers when Im not around and ignores when I am. And when I ask I’m told to not ask about her ever again. That’s seems shady to me. Add all this to his not being around and when he is he’s not really “here” and mix it with us not doing anything anymore and tonight he makes plans to go to a movie with his buddy. uuuuuuummm ya, no I wouldn’t enjoy a movie or anything. Ya go out with your buddy who you see twice a week at least, who’s daughters birthday party we were just at yesterday. mmmhhhmmm cuz I haven’t been at home all day doing the laundry.
Let me explain one thing here…I believe it’s my job while I’m not working for a company that he shouldn’t have to do much around the house. So I make the breakfasts and lunches for the girls when they are here. Make dinner, do the groceries. Clean the house and do the laundry. I even happily make his coffee every morning. Because I love him like no one ever. But don’t behave entitled towards me because of it.
Things are just very different. And when I try to talk about it with him he deflects and puts it on me. I know that no one wants to come home after work and be bombarded with questions about an ex. But come on! If she’s been trying to get contact for the last part of the year, wouldn’t YOU question what the hell is going on? Who wouldn’t? I can’t help wondering everyday what is the real story. Am I just a habit? Maybe he’s not really “in love”. I’m tired of not being heard. I’m tired of all the baggage and I’m tired of the expectation to not have an opinion and to not have a voice to express it. It pisses me off. I’ve put up with a lot in my life and the thing I can’t tolerate is people just saying what you want to hear with no action to back it up. I’m done with making excuses in order to
accept tolerate it. I don’t believe he will ever get divorced. I don’t believe his contact with the ex is as limited as he says nor do I believe that the conversations are innocent. I just don’t believe him, because if you have been lucky enough to have found someone you claim is the love of your life don’t you respect them enough to listen to them? Really hear them when they are crying because of all your baggage that is affecting their life? Don’t you owe them the respect if they are still pulling their weight when life throws you a curve ball? I don’t think I could look at him and ever say “listen, if you don’t want to be with me then make up your mind and go” and not break inside. But he has said that to me, and not seemed even bothered. He says it’s cause he doesn’t want the shit. I believe, it’s because he is all talk. Just a bunch of words on top of words on top of words with nothing behind to back it up. So naturally, I have stopped caring.
This is me…right now where I am. Not happy, pretty pissed off and REALLY needing my friend who I don’t have. It sucks.
Good night world